communication is key

        Communication is essential in a relationship. And it is something that almost every relationship struggles with at one point or another. It can always be improved. A huge reason for divorces are due to simple communication issues. Not discussing problems that occur or explaining feelings from one side to the other.

        For a more personal stance this could be for a number of reasons. For me, I simply shut down when it is time to talk about emotions. Now I will say I have gotten A LOT better over the years but in high school it was really bad. Especially with my relationship with my parents. Every time they wanted to talk to me I would completely shut down and not speak one word. I am still not perfect, and it definitely takes a bit for me to open up but I am a lot better at communicating my feelings about things and situations. 

        I also think that a problem with these days, is communicating via text and on social media. It is SO hard to understand a persons tone, or body language through a screen and there is a lot more room for miscommunication and misinterpretation of things. This can cause a lot of problems within a relationship. For example, a girlfriend could text her boyfriend "hey, do you want me to make you some dinner" and the boyfriend could give a simple reply of "yeah, I don't care!" Now from a females perspective, I would look at this and be appalled. "What?? you don't care?? You hate me? I'm trying to be nice and make you dinner and YOU DON'T CARE?" When in reality the man really just meant "yeah sure! I don't mind at all, sounds good." Do you see where maybe this could cause some problems in the relationship? 

        One thing that I think that is really important that I believe in a lot is... premarital counseling!! I heard one of my professors speak about it semesters ago and how great it is and I've always wanted to do it. I'm doing it right now with my fiancé and it is amazing! Especially with my struggles of communication for the past couple months we've been doing it we have been able to learn so many things and work on them to prepare for being married. I think it is so smart to start learning different tools to help when problems arise before you are married so then we are prepared when we are married and already know how to handle conflict and we can avoid major problems that are potential relationship breakers. 

        When conflict does arise in the marriage, how do we deal with it? Some steps could include, Identifying the issue first. Then it's trying to work through the issue and understand each side of the problem and their feelings. Then brainstorm options for solution and choose a plan of action to fix the problem. Sit down and counsel with each other. Show empathy for each others feelings and hear each other out as equals. Something really important is validating the others feelings even if you do not agree. Saying, "I understand how you are feeling and I see your side. Here is how I feel and my side of the situation, what can we both do to fix this?" I love the idea of "what can we BOTH do." It's not put on one person, "well you need to start doing this." Instead its more of a "okay, if I start doing this to help, do you think you can start doing this? And we can both work on it to fix the situation." 

        Some things to avoid when trying to solve conflict are: 1. Never use sex to solve problems. 2. Resist the silent treatment. This does NOTHING but make things worse. Unless, you are very very upset and you tell them, I am sorry but I need a couple minutes, hours, or a day to just calm down and think, otherwise I promise I will say things I regret. 3. Use humor and joke with each other for some comic relief. How can you be so angry when the love of your life cracks some jokes am I right! Maybe in some cases this might make people more mad... I'm not sure. 4. Alway go for closure. Never leave without feeling okay with the conversation. Last but not least, I think the saying "never go to bed angry" is stupid. Just go to bed. Sleep on it, talk about it in the morning. You will just be up all night talking and there is no point loosing sleep. You'll be a lot calmer in the morning after a night of rest.